An ADHD Mother parenting an ASD child

So this is the story of how my undiagnosed ADHD affected the start of my parenting journey and how diagnosis helped me find my way into motherhood.

Raising a neurodiverse child that absolutely thrived in routine, burned out my closed circuit and sent me to a spiral of anxiety. The more routine my son needed the more I struggled to provide it without burning out. I was sleep deprived, I was not looking after myself properly and I felt like I was “all over the place”. 

I kept wondering “why am I not coping in the same way other mothers do? Why does motherhood feel like an uphill battle?” The answer came when I was diagnosed with ADHD about the time my son was 12 months old. The funny thing about the diagnosis was that it had never occurred to me nor my family that I might have a neurodiverse brain, but when it came, my life experience made complete sense. 

The diagnosis in itself was very healing for me as it allowed me to appreciate that where I saw struggles, flaws, or shortcomings, my brain was working overtime in ways that were going against my wiring. When I saw myself as lazy, I was actually struggling to find focus. Where I was seeing my self as "getting things done", I was experiencing intense hyper focus, not feeding my self properly and overlooking all basic my needs.

After the realisation that I have an ADHD brain, I started looking at myself with more kindness and began to plan our life keeping both my organisational challenges and my son’s absolute need for structure in mind. 

Somewhere in the middle we found our perfect Rhythm. It was not an overnight success, it took a few goes, a few missed plans, some burned dinners and some days where nothing was planned at all, but in the end and by the time he was going to nursery, the two of us had found our stride. 

What helped my ADHD mind the most was swapping the word “routine” for “rhythm”. That little change in mind set allowed me to relax my brain into thinking “these are the things we have to do, and this is the rhythm we follow. It will get done, but at a pace that both my son and I find comfortable.” 

My rhythm started by getting up a little earlier in the mornings so that I could have some “me time” at my own pace before mine & Cosmo’s set routine had to start. It meant I could allow myself a bit of ADHD chaos or hyperfocus depending on the mood of the day, before having to go into full on and in charge mothering mode. 

We had an aide of a visual calendar that reminded us of the things we had planned and the sequence in which they got done. As we got comfortable in our daily rhythm we gradually stopped using the calendar and just got on with our activities.

The most helpful element of having a daily plan, was that it allowed me to carve some time for myself and my mental health, and in extension offered me the opportunity to be more present for my son when he needed me, rather than spiraling inside my ADHD brain.
I started really enjoying motherhood and my son’s anxiety eased, he became more confident and relaxed, knowing what to expect of his day.

It was that experience that led me to design the original necklace and ritual for my son, when he was struggling with severe separation anxiety at nursery drop offs.
When I think back to those moments, I realise that repeating our goodbye ritual was an added layer on our daily rhythm that offered connection, stability and safety. 

I hope with all my heart that our Toycessories® will become as important a part of your daily rhythm as the original necklace was for my son and I. 

Always “With you” and with love, 

Dorothea